I want to share the story of my first boy kiss with you (I would say first gay kiss, but even back then I knew I was non-binary, I was just too scared to come out at the time). It’s not a very interesting or particularly unique story. It doesn’t have too many twists or turns. It doesn’t even deliver much in the way of fireworks (okay, maybe just a little, it’s still a first kiss after all). But sometimes it’s the little, insignificant, not-even-that-fun-to-tell-at-a-party stories that change us, that shape us, and make us who we become… especially when we don’t realize it at the time. This, for all that it’s short and quaint, is my story:
To start off, you have to know that I went to a very artsy fine arts high school. Artsy to the point that you could pretty much count on every other person being queer and out. My gender was in the closet but my pansexuality definitely wasn’t! I was in musical theatre (yes, that was a class my high school had, yes, I see the stereotype too) and there was this guy I liked — let’s call him Troy (because that’s not even close to his real name, but gives you the gist) — who was WAY out of my league! He was a model, he was a dancer, he could sing beautifully, and all his friends were legitimately intimidating-level cool, not just art school nerd-cool like I was (or at least thought I was). And most importantly, he made me sweat at dance auditions.
Turns out he was interested in me too! Problem was, whenever any of my friends would leak this valuable gossip my way, I wouldn’t believe them. This was likely because any number of my other friends would tell me immediately that it was just a rumour and promptly remind me just how far out of my league Troy was! Well, the normal amount of flirting and such happened and flew right over my socially-confused autistic head (I’m autistic, I can say that), so when the school musical’s cast party rolled around and Troy (see what I did there, Troy, High School Musical, it was a thing) started hitting on me a lot more directly (and possibly a little drunkenly), I thought I’d won the lottery! Here was this demigod of a dancer wanting to make out with me, (me!) the tall gangly stage crew creature, and all it’d taken was a few drinks for him to formally acknowledge my existence!
Well, you can guess how that cast party went from there. My first boy kiss quickly turned into my first boy blowjob and naturally, when all was said and done, I was feeling so ecstatic that I wanted to return the favour; especially because… let’s just say natural selection had been very kind to his gene pool. However, we’d both had more than a couple drinks by that point, and the even bigger however in the room was the looming fact that I’d never actually given a blowjob before! I’ll skip ahead here now and just say that the following Monday at school, I didn’t get much more than a wink from Troy. To be fair, that wink kept me going for a good while afterwards if you know what I mean, but a seductive wink was all I got. Worst of all, I thought I’d deserved it — botched blowjobs have a way of icepick-chipping self-confidence like that. After weeks of hoping his memory would jog, I finally gave up and figured that he really *had* been out of my league the whole time.
I few years later, I reconnected with Troy and tried to pretend that my adolescent heartbreak had never happened, but he had other (more moral) plans and wanted to clear the air. He revealed that he really did have a crush on me back then but knew I wanted a relationship at that age and that he was after something much more casual. He also acknowledged that he reasoned (correctly) that I’d probably be down for something more casual if it involved him (models, ugh), but in the end it was his friends’ opinions of me that kept him back. He felt badly about it and apologized. I forgave him instantaneously, he was and is still breath-thievingly gorgeous, but I could tell it meant a lot to him even so many years later. I guess the moral of the story is that even in the most utopia shrouded queer-positive artsy environments, peer pressure is a cock-blocking son of a bitch!